by Amy’s Husband
I can’t fix this.
These 4 words became my mantra, my way back to clarity when I felt desperate to “do something” to get Amy out of the depressed mood that has been straining our relationship. This realization brings a sadness; it’s like the acceptance phase in the process of loss.
Yet, I was able to commit to this reality with a new-found sense of self-compassion. Adding 3 more words helps: “I can’t fix this. No partner could.” This realization, repeated in my mind, cools off the tendency to criticize myself for not having cured a stubborn, nearly lifelong case of chronic, recurring depression. I’ve read that 80% of cases of depression get better with treatment. My wife is in the other 20%.
With a chronic case of depression like hers, a romantic partner like me often experiences depression fallout. For me, this means feeling emotionally wrung out from being the “safe target” for the anger that arises from Amy’s depressive irritability. Importantly, it also shows up as the heartache of hearing your beloved wife berate herself over her looks, her competence as a mother and her age. When we’re in such a crisis, the self-torture takes up nearly all her emotional and mental bandwidth and leaves me on the outside looking in, feeling sorry for her and for myself.
Partners in other couples have reported far worse cases of depression fallout: situations where the depression sufferer denies his/her condition and refuses treatment. In these extreme cases, partners with depression build an even higher emotional wall to keep their partners out, even initiating divorce procedures and cheating on the relationship. Depressed partners may even self-medicate with alcohol or drug abuse.
Fortunately, Amy is aware and honest enough about her situation, enough so to create and maintain this blog. Her clarity and compliance give us the best possible chance her stubborn case of depression will allow to shorten and reduce the intensity of her episodes.
As Amy’s partner, I’ve changed my goal from trying to fix her depression to trying to ride out the depressive episodes. I’m relieved to say that at the moment, a long, difficult episode appears to be lifting, as Amy and her psychiatrist appear to have found the medicine adjustment that has turned the tide…for now.
In the past few weeks of this episode, Amy has taken our marriage counselor’s advice more to heart. She has chosen repeatedly to experience her angry moments without compounding them — without turning them into fights with me or fights with our daughter. I know when she’s angry, but I also know that she’s working to ride out the waves of anger and then discuss what brought on the feeling in a far more rational way when the angry wave has receded.
In using these techniques, Amy has helped lower the emotional temperature in our home and given us space to heal from the damage in our relationship. By practicing self-compassion, I’ve been able to lay aside toxic self criticism and an inflated sense of what I “should” accomplish for our marriage. This too has lowered the pressure and contributed toward healing.
I’ve learned the most direct way to give myself compassion is to gently place my hand on my heart. This simple act nonverbally communicates that my mind, body and spirit are on the same team, that my mind will consciously act as an ally to my heart, not as the bully or saboteur so many of us experience, especially when we’re under sustained periods of stress.
The depression isn’t gone; it still has its moments, but the creeping crisis of the past few months has largely receded. I look forward to however much time we get between depressive episodes. And when the next one comes, I will ride it out, knowing no partner can fix it.
In summary, these two practices helped me ride out a tough case of Amy’s depression:
- Re-affirming “I can’t fix this; no partner could”
- Self-compassion: Placing a hand on my heart when I’m upset; especially if I sense that my thoughts are bordering on self-critical
I wish I could tell you I cured my wife’s depression for her and could now share with you the miraculous techniques I’d been combing through TEDx Talks trying to find. But we all know it doesn’t work that way.
How is depression affecting your relationship? What has worked to help you ride out an episode as a couple?
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