Depression and Me: Dragging Myself Through Depression

I hate to be so dramatic, but for a while I’ve been feeling as if I was dragging myself through depression. This is the main reason I haven’t been writing my blog consistently. I’ve been displaying the symptom of anhedonia or not wanting to do the things you like doing or not being able to feel pleasure,

Here’s what has been going on. About 5 weeks ago ago I stopped taking the antidepressant, Lexapro and started taking Prozac. My psychiatrist was in complete agreement with this medication change because I felt like the Lexapro wasn’t alleviating my depression very much. I started on 20 mg of Prozac and after about 3 weeks it didn’t seem to be working. My psychiatrist had told me it could take 4 to 6 weeks for the Prozac to start working but I was very impatient!

I’ve been having some uncomfortably bad symptoms including crying in the morning and feeling like I could cry at any time. I’ve also been very irritable and I’ve tried not to take that symptom out on my husband and daughter. I’ve been feeling very tired and it’s been difficult for me to do basic household chores. My ability to concentrate has been off so that I’ve had trouble completing an article for my blog. My self-esteem has been barely in existence. Another symptom that’s usually the clincher that I’m having another bout of serious depression is that I’ve been feeling like binging, although I haven’t done it in over 2 years.

It’s unusual for me to have depression in the spring and summer when there’s much more sunlight and the weather is warm. This is the time of year when my previous psychiatrists would usually suggest lowering the dose of my antidepressant because I was feeling too pumped up. I can’t even imagine feeling that way now!

As I’ve written in previous articles, I think that part of the reason for my depression now is the changes going on in my life. For one thing, our lives are getting closer to the way they were before Covid. My daughter is going to school 5 mornings a week and my husband is starting to extend his time working in his office and decrease the time working at home. In-person gatherings are starting again so that my social anxiety is increasing. I’m also worried about summer activities/camp for my daughter who will be going to summer school in the morning for 6 weeks. It’s been difficult to find her activities in the afternoon other than going to the town pool (and I know we’re very lucky to have 2 open pools in our town).

I started to wonder if I was becoming resistant to the medications used to treat depression. After all I’ve had depression for 40 years and I’ve been on medication for almost all of those years. In fact there is a diagnosis known as “treatment resistant depression”. “… with treatment-resistant depression, standard treatments aren’t enough. They may not help much at all, or your symptoms may improve, only to keep coming back (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/treatment-resistant-depression/art-20044324.”)

I’m not sure that I have the patience to try another antidepressant(s) if the Prozac doesn’t work. There are alternative treatments however, that I’ve heard about from people who have used them. One is electroconvulsive therapy or ECT. “Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is a procedure, done under general anesthesia, in which small electric currents are passed through the brain, intentionally triggering a brief seizure. ECT seems to cause changes in brain chemistry that can quickly reverse symptoms of certain mental health conditions (https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/electroconvulsive-therapy/about/pac-20393894.”) ECT scares me though and I kind of see it as a last resort.

Another alternative treatment I’ve considered is medical marijuana. I would have to find a doctor to write me a prescription for it because my present psychiatrist doesn’t prescribe it.

When my psychiatrist suggested that I take 40 mg of Prozac I decided to give it a try and hold off on any alternative treatments. He told me that 20 mg is considered a low dose for Prozac and that 40 mg might work better.

At times it seems as if the 40 mg isn’t working either because I’m showing the same symptoms as when I was on 20 mg. I even seem to be crying more than usual. At other times however, I think that I’m feeling better and that the Prozac must be working. I have a few days without crying. I’m more in control of how my irritability shows up in my relationships, and I’m able to sit at my computer and work on an article for my blog.

I’ve been told that I actually have cyclical depression. ” Cyclical or cyclic depression is also sometimes referred to as recurrent depression. It can occur, abate, and then reoccur throughout a person’s life (https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/depression/what-is-cyclical-depression/).” I’m not sure if this type of depression varies in its severity also. I believe that I do have cyclical depression because I’ve had periods in my life when I was seriously depressed and other times when I barely notice the depression.

I feel as if I’ve been in a period of more severe depression lately. I’m not hopeless though because the 40 mg of Prozac seems to be helping at times and I’m hopeful these times will occur more often.

Has the return to almost normal life after Covid affected you in a positive or negative way?