Sound Mind and Body NJ

Your mental and physical health resource for northern NJ and beyond

Social Anxiety

July 12, 2021 /

I suffer from pretty severe social anxiety, especially now that most of the covid restrictions have been lifted and many people are out there socializing in large and small groups. I actually felt much less anxious when covid restrictions were in place and we couldn’t do much socializing in person.

people toasting wine glasses
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

First some vocabulary words which I hope are helpful:

What is anxiety? “Anxiety is your body’s natural response to stress. It’s a feeling of fear or apprehension about what’s to come (https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety).” Some situations that may cause anxiety include taking a test, the first day of school, going on a first date, etc.

When is anxiety considered a disorder? “… if your feelings of anxiety are extreme, last for longer than six months, and are interfering with your life, you may have an anxiety disorder (https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety).”

What is social anxiety ? “Social anxiety disorder (also called social phobia) is a mental health condition. It is an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others (https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/social-anxiety-disorder-more-than-just-shyness/).”

I believe that at times my social anxiety can be considered a disorder, especially when it interferes with my life. One example is my fear of going to get togethers like parties, especially those with more than a few people. The guests could be people I know or don’t know. Lately I’ve been attending these gatherings with my husband who is a big help. I tend to stick by his side and talk with people he’s speaking with. I actually end up listening much more than talking.

Another way I handle large gatherings is by NOT handling them and simply not going. I did this on July 4th. This tactic, however, is usually not an option if the party concerns a family member(s) or a certain holiday.

My psychiatrist gave me a medication, Propanolol which is supposed to help me with my social anxiety at large parties, etc. I’ve taken it twice so far. The the first time it seemed to work and the second time it didn’t. I ended up having an anxiety attack in which I left the party and took a walk. This helped so that I could return to the party. I was fine from then on. I’ll probably still use Propanolol at my next large party.

I also have social anxiety when we need to have a repair person come to our house. Again it could be someone I know or don’t know. We tend to put repairs off until we really need them usually because I have anxiety about people working in our house. Sometimes I bite the bullet and have the repair done. Usually I’m fine if it’s a quick job and not fine if it’s a long and complicated job. My husband has been helpful by working from home when a repair person is coming.

I even have social anxiety when my daughter has a play date at our house. Her friends are very nice and respectful but I think that my trigger is having people who don’t live in my house, in my house. There really is no place to “hide” very well in my house.

I believe that some of my social anxiety might come from the time when I had pretty severe depression and didn’t attend my high school graduation. I didn’t want to be seen in my home town. I eventually allowed myself to be seen but to this day I still feel a little anxious there.

I also think that my social anxiety might come from having been teased pretty mercilessly about being fat through a good deal of my childhood and adolescence. Even though I’ve lost weight, I’m still very self-conscious about my weight and entire body.

For the most part I live with my social anxiety and go to social gatherings and meetings. I however torment my husband about going to social events with his side of our family. This is something I’m trying to work out in therapy.

Does social anxiety affect your life?

How do you manage your social anxiety?

Guest blog post: Riding Out Your Partner’s Depressive Episode

June 29, 2021 /

by Amy’s Husband

I can’t fix this.

These 4 words became my mantra, my way back to clarity when I felt desperate to “do something” to get Amy out of the depressed mood that has been straining our relationship. This realization brings a sadness; it’s like the acceptance phase in the process of loss.

couple having a misunderstanding
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Yet, I was able to commit to this reality with a new-found sense of self-compassion. Adding 3 more words helps: “I can’t fix this. No partner could.” This realization, repeated in my mind, cools off the tendency to criticize myself for not having cured a stubborn, nearly lifelong case of chronic, recurring depression. I’ve read that 80% of cases of depression get better with treatment. My wife is in the other 20%.

With a chronic case of depression like hers, a romantic partner like me often experiences depression fallout. For me, this means feeling emotionally wrung out from being the “safe target” for the anger that arises from Amy’s depressive irritability. Importantly, it also shows up as the heartache of hearing your beloved wife berate herself over her looks, her competence as a mother and her age. When we’re in such a crisis, the self-torture takes up nearly all her emotional and mental bandwidth and leaves me on the outside looking in, feeling sorry for her and for myself.

Partners in other couples have reported far worse cases of depression fallout: situations where the depression sufferer denies his/her condition and refuses treatment. In these extreme cases, partners with depression build an even higher emotional wall to keep their partners out, even initiating divorce procedures and cheating on the relationship. Depressed partners may even self-medicate with alcohol or drug abuse.

Fortunately, Amy is aware and honest enough about her situation, enough so to create and maintain this blog. Her clarity and compliance give us the best possible chance her stubborn case of depression will allow to shorten and reduce the intensity of her episodes.

As Amy’s partner, I’ve changed my goal from trying to fix her depression to trying to ride out the depressive episodes. I’m relieved to say that at the moment, a long, difficult episode appears to be lifting, as Amy and her psychiatrist appear to have found the medicine adjustment that has turned the tide…for now.

In the past few weeks of this episode, Amy has taken our marriage counselor’s advice more to heart. She has chosen repeatedly to experience her angry moments without compounding them — without turning them into fights with me or fights with our daughter. I know when she’s angry, but I also know that she’s working to ride out the waves of anger and then discuss what brought on the feeling in a far more rational way when the angry wave has receded.

In using these techniques, Amy has helped lower the emotional temperature in our home and given us space to heal from the damage in our relationship. By practicing self-compassion, I’ve been able to lay aside toxic self criticism and an inflated sense of what I “should” accomplish for our marriage. This too has lowered the pressure and contributed toward healing.

I’ve learned the most direct way to give myself compassion is to gently place my hand on my heart. This simple act nonverbally communicates that my mind, body and spirit are on the same team, that my mind will consciously act as an ally to my heart, not as the bully or saboteur so many of us experience, especially when we’re under sustained periods of stress.

The depression isn’t gone; it still has its moments, but the creeping crisis of the past few months has largely receded. I look forward to however much time we get between depressive episodes. And when the next one comes, I will ride it out, knowing no partner can fix it.

In summary, these two practices helped me ride out a tough case of Amy’s depression:

  • Re-affirming “I can’t fix this; no partner could”
  • Self-compassion: Placing a hand on my heart when I’m upset; especially if I sense that my thoughts are bordering on self-critical

I wish I could tell you I cured my wife’s depression for her and could now share with you the miraculous techniques I’d been combing through TEDx Talks trying to find. But we all know it doesn’t work that way.

How is depression affecting your relationship? What has worked to help you ride out an episode as a couple?

Depression and Me: Dragging Myself Through Depression

June 15, 2021 /

I hate to be so dramatic, but for a while I’ve been feeling as if I was dragging myself through depression. This is the main reason I haven’t been writing my blog consistently. I’ve been displaying the symptom of anhedonia or not wanting to do the things you like doing or not being able to feel pleasure,

green car running of flooded road
Photo by ahmad syahrir on Pexels.com

Here’s what has been going on. About 5 weeks ago ago I stopped taking the antidepressant, Lexapro and started taking Prozac. My psychiatrist was in complete agreement with this medication change because I felt like the Lexapro wasn’t alleviating my depression very much. I started on 20 mg of Prozac and after about 3 weeks it didn’t seem to be working. My psychiatrist had told me it could take 4 to 6 weeks for the Prozac to start working but I was very impatient!

I’ve been having some uncomfortably bad symptoms including crying in the morning and feeling like I could cry at any time. I’ve also been very irritable and I’ve tried not to take that symptom out on my husband and daughter. I’ve been feeling very tired and it’s been difficult for me to do basic household chores. My ability to concentrate has been off so that I’ve had trouble completing an article for my blog. My self-esteem has been barely in existence. Another symptom that’s usually the clincher that I’m having another bout of serious depression is that I’ve been feeling like binging, although I haven’t done it in over 2 years.

It’s unusual for me to have depression in the spring and summer when there’s much more sunlight and the weather is warm. This is the time of year when my previous psychiatrists would usually suggest lowering the dose of my antidepressant because I was feeling too pumped up. I can’t even imagine feeling that way now!

As I’ve written in previous articles, I think that part of the reason for my depression now is the changes going on in my life. For one thing, our lives are getting closer to the way they were before Covid. My daughter is going to school 5 mornings a week and my husband is starting to extend his time working in his office and decrease the time working at home. In-person gatherings are starting again so that my social anxiety is increasing. I’m also worried about summer activities/camp for my daughter who will be going to summer school in the morning for 6 weeks. It’s been difficult to find her activities in the afternoon other than going to the town pool (and I know we’re very lucky to have 2 open pools in our town).

I started to wonder if I was becoming resistant to the medications used to treat depression. After all I’ve had depression for 40 years and I’ve been on medication for almost all of those years. In fact there is a diagnosis known as “treatment resistant depression”. “… with treatment-resistant depression, standard treatments aren’t enough. They may not help much at all, or your symptoms may improve, only to keep coming back (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/treatment-resistant-depression/art-20044324.”)

I’m not sure that I have the patience to try another antidepressant(s) if the Prozac doesn’t work. There are alternative treatments however, that I’ve heard about from people who have used them. One is electroconvulsive therapy or ECT. “Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is a procedure, done under general anesthesia, in which small electric currents are passed through the brain, intentionally triggering a brief seizure. ECT seems to cause changes in brain chemistry that can quickly reverse symptoms of certain mental health conditions (https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/electroconvulsive-therapy/about/pac-20393894.”) ECT scares me though and I kind of see it as a last resort.

Another alternative treatment I’ve considered is medical marijuana. I would have to find a doctor to write me a prescription for it because my present psychiatrist doesn’t prescribe it.

When my psychiatrist suggested that I take 40 mg of Prozac I decided to give it a try and hold off on any alternative treatments. He told me that 20 mg is considered a low dose for Prozac and that 40 mg might work better.

At times it seems as if the 40 mg isn’t working either because I’m showing the same symptoms as when I was on 20 mg. I even seem to be crying more than usual. At other times however, I think that I’m feeling better and that the Prozac must be working. I have a few days without crying. I’m more in control of how my irritability shows up in my relationships, and I’m able to sit at my computer and work on an article for my blog.

I’ve been told that I actually have cyclical depression. ” Cyclical or cyclic depression is also sometimes referred to as recurrent depression. It can occur, abate, and then reoccur throughout a person’s life (https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/depression/what-is-cyclical-depression/).” I’m not sure if this type of depression varies in its severity also. I believe that I do have cyclical depression because I’ve had periods in my life when I was seriously depressed and other times when I barely notice the depression.

I feel as if I’ve been in a period of more severe depression lately. I’m not hopeless though because the 40 mg of Prozac seems to be helping at times and I’m hopeful these times will occur more often.

Has the return to almost normal life after Covid affected you in a positive or negative way?

My Lifeline: Exercise

May 13, 2021 /

In my blog I’ve written a great deal about my depression and anxiety throughout my life so I thought it was time to write about what has helped me with depression and anxiety. One of the best tools for me throughout the years has been exercise.

Me doing cardio boxing in our basement “gym”.

You probably hear all of the time that you should exercise and that it’s good for your health and well being – your heart, your bones, weight loss, etc. There has been much research done to verify the benefits of exercise on physical health. There has also been much research, however on the benefits of exercise on mental health such as on depression and anxiety.

One article from the Mayo Clinic discusses how exercise can ease the symptoms of depression and anxiety. (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/depression-and-exercise/art-2004649)

The article discusses how exercise releases endorphins (chemicals resembling cannabis released by your body that make you feel good). Exercise also helps to give you confidence especially about your appearance, and make you feel like you’ve accomplished something. It can help you meet people and help take your mind off of your worries. It is a positive coping strategy compared to negative ones like substance abuse.

The article discusses the difference between “exercise” and “physical activity”. Exercise includes activities such as running and lifting weights that get your heart pumping. These activities help improve your mood. But physical activities such as gardening, washing your car and walking around your block can also improve your mood. “Any physical activity that gets you off the couch and moving can help improve your mood.”

My exercise is usually walking on the treadmill or outside, weight training and cardio boxing. Tennis used to be my sport but I have a great deal of trouble playing tennis due to my impaired vision (mostly caused by my Type I Diabetes).

I usually work out in our basement which is equipped with a treadmill, exercise bicycle, elliptical trainer, punching bag, and free weights. We’ve accumulated this equipment gradually over the 16 years we’ve lived in our house. I feel very fortunate that we have this equipment in our basement. We used to join the Y or gyms, use them for a few weeks and then stop and cancel our membership.

But with our “home gym” I can literally roll out of bed, walk down to the basement and start working out. I currently don’t do this though due to other responsibilities like helping my daughter get off to school. I also need to eat breakfast before I work out. But it’s a nice idea though!

I try to exercise every day by walking on the treadmill every other day and weight training and cardio boxing on the days in between. My main problem with exercise is my depression trying to convince me not to do it because I’m too tired, don’t feel like it, and that I should stay on the couch. Luckily I usually manage to push through these thoughts and work out. But it isn’t easy at all!

My exercise helps me with anxiety too. When I was at my worst with anxiety and I would call my husband at work, he would convince me to hop on the treadmill. I was so anxious that I wouldn’t even change into workout clothes. Even if I walked 10 minutes it helped ease my anxiety somewhat.

I recommend reading the book, Depression Hates a Moving Target by Nita Sweeney. She writes about her bouts with depression and how running has helped her with them. Running has actually helped decrease her need for higher doses of her depression meds.

I also recommend a song and video written and performed by my husband, entitled “Run With My Troubles.” In this song he sings about how running has helped him with his own depressed and anxious feelings. Here is the video:

Has exercise helped you or someone you know with mood issues?

Depression and Me: The 50’s -Miracles and Mayhem

May 7, 2021 /

Although I’m still in my 50’s, I’m 57 to be exact, I have a great deal to write about up to this point in my 50’s. The number “50” was scary to me. For one thing, I began to receive mail from AARP (American Association of Retired People) which is a misnomer since many people who are members of this group are working and aren’t retired at all! Also, when I think of “retirement”, I think of people much older than 50. Anyway I haven’t joined AARP yet.

Not only did I receive mail from AARP, but also from cemeteries and mausoleums! Well if I did’t feel old yet, I sure felt old now! I think that my parents actually received their cemetery plots as wedding presents! Very thoughtful and practical gifts, I guess.

Well enough about being in my 50’s and death! Instead, let’s talk about some miracles that occurred in my life in this decade…

At the age of 50, my kidneys were starting to fail. This was mostly due to my having had Type I Diabetes for more than 40 years and not controlling my blood sugar very well at certain times in my life. In Type I Diabetes, the pancreas doesn’t produce any of the hormone, insulin which metabolizes sugar (glucose) in your blood stream. Your body uses glucose for energy. This unmetabolized sugar in your blood then begins to break down the blood vessels in your body, especially the ones in your kidneys, retina (eye), brain, and nerves. Diabetics are more prone to strokes and heart attacks too.

My husband and me 2 days after our kidney transplant

What do the kidneys do? “Your kidneys remove wastes and extra fluid from your body. Your kidneys also remove acid that is produced by the cells of your body and maintain a healthy balance of water, salts, and minerals—such as sodium, calcium, phosphorus, and potassium—in your blood (Google).” They then produce urine with these substances. .

When I was in kidney failure, I was tired all the time and used to take at least 2 long naps daily. My daughter was 4 years old at the time and I didn’t have the energy to play and run after her. I was cold all of the time and had a metallic taste in my mouth from the toxins that weren’t being removed by my kidneys.

So I needed a kidney transplant or would soon have to go on dialysis. The plan was for me to get both a kidney and a pancreas from a deceased donor so that I could cure my diabetes for a time while getting a functioning kidney. But I couldn’t wait long enough for a deceased donor before I needed to go on dialysis .

Then a miracle occurred! My husband offered to donate one of his healthy kidneys to me, but first he had to be tested to see if he was a match to me. And he was a match! So in May 2015 I got one of his kidneys and it worked right away in my body. I felt so much better after the surgery. I had much more anergy and I didn’t have the metallic taste in my mouth. I was much more able to take care of my daughter. What a blessing this was for our family!

A few months after my transplant however, my depression intensified and it brought along its good friend – ANXIETY! I’ve heard it said that “Anxiety is the flip side of depression.” I really never had such severe anxiety before. Plus one of the psychiatrists at Hackensack University Medical Center (HUMC) put me on Pristiq for depression, which made my anxiety much worse. I couldn’t eat. I paced the floors. I cried when my husband had to leave to go to work. And I had the shakes.

Finally I was hospitalized in the Psych Unit at HUMC for about 10 days. I actually had to stay 2 days in the Emergency Room first because there were no beds available in the Psych Ward. In the Psych Ward I went off of Pristiq and I believe I started Buspar for the anxiety and went back on Zoloft for the depression. When I came home from the hospital, I still had anxiety but it wasn’t as severe as before. I have had both anxiety and depression ever since then though.

So my depression and anxiety continued but they were manageable for the most part. I was however, having a great deal of difficulty managing my diabetes. My blood sugars fluctuated from being very hight to very low. I was trying to control them as best as I could by using an insulin pump and taking insulin shots to supplement the pump. It wasn’t working very well and so my diabetologist felt that I needed a pancreas transplant.

“The pancreas is an organ located in the abdomen. It plays an essential role in converting the food we eat into fuel for the body’s cells. The pancreas has two main functions: an exocrine function that helps in digestion and an endocrine function that regulates blood sugar (https://columbiasurgery.org/pancreas/pancreas-and-its-functions).”

I had a pancreas transplant in May 2018. The pancreas was donated by the family of a young man 19 years of age who died after being hit by a car while riding his bicycle. The pancreas started producing insulin almost right away so that I no longer had Type I Diabetes, at least for 10 years if not more! Up to this point I had Diabetes for 46 years!

Another miracle for me and my family! When my blood sugars were so out of control I would feel very tired and extremely irritable. I was not at all easy to live with. My moods evened out with my new pancreas. I didn’t have to do any finger sticks to find out what my blood sugar was. I could theoretically eat whatever I wanted to eat, except for a diabetic complication, gastroparesis getting in the way. (The nerves in my stomach were damaged from years of diabetes and didn’t move food along the digestive system well.)

However, a few months after my pancreas transplant, my depression and anxiety intensified again. I was in such bad shape that I ended up being hospitalized at HUMC at Mountainside 3 times. I also attended their Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) 3 times. It’s been almost 2 years though since I was in the IOP.

This time I was put on Escitalopram (Lexipro), Bupropion (Wellbutrin), and Atomoxetine (Stratera), not all at once though. The Lexipro came first, then the Wellbutrin, and finally Stratera. I’ve been on this “cocktail” of meds for almost 2 years and it has worked fairly well, up to now.

I decided with my psychiatrist to go off of Lexipro and go on Prozac. So I am back with my old friend, Prozac since it had worked very well for me in the past. I’m hoping that since I haven’t been on Prozac in a while, it will work again and I’ll feel better.

It’s very frightening to me when my psych meds aren’t working and so I have to try other ones. One of the main problems is that for many of these meds, it can take a few weeks before you feel any effect. I’m hoping that the placebo effect of knowing that I’m on Prozac will help me feel better before the Prozac kicks in.

Why would my depression and anxiety intensify after having had a kidney transplant and then after a pancreas transplant? I believe that it has to do with both transplants being such big changes in my life. As far as the kidney transplant, I was living with kidney failure for about 1 1/2 years, and probably with damaged kidneys for much longer than that. In terms of the pancreas transplant, I got rid, at least for 10 to 20 years of a disease that I had for 46 years. Both kidney failure and Type I Diabetes require you to change your way of life. Taking care of diabetes becomes your way of life. And then with the pancreas transplant and a working pancreas afterwards, it no longer is your way of life.

Much more has happened in my 50’s than I wrote about here, but I will share these events in other articles under different topics.

Have you experienced any miracles or major changes in your life? How did it affect you?

Depression and Me: The 40’s – A Decade of Change

April 22, 2021 /

In my 40’s life changed a great deal not only for me but also for my family. I still had depression and binge eating to contend with though. I don’t do very well with change especially major changes. They usually cause stress or stress may bring changes on. As I’ve mentioned in a previous article, a therapist in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) I attended would say that “Change + Stress = Depression,” and I have found this to be true for myself.

One major change that happened in my early 40’s was that my tried and true antidepressant, Prozac wasn’t doing its job. anymore. I felt very depressed, irritable and angry, and at one point I went off Prozac completely! I wasn’t thinking rationally at that point either. Around this time I also changed psychiatrists because my NY psychiatrist was too expensive, and going into NY once a month for a visit wasn’t convenient for me anymore.

So my new NJ psychiatrist decided to put me on Zoloft which worked for me just about as well as Prozac. Like Prozac, Zoloft is an SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor). The symptoms of depression I mentioned above improved, and I remained on Zoloft until my early 50’s.

Another change was that I graduated grad school as a Special Education Teacher with my Masters of Arts in Teaching. I taught various age groups, from preschool through high school. Being a teacher was very stressful for me and I often would binge after a tough day at school. My depression held steady though for the most part. I had a hard time getting tenure mostly because I didn’t play the political game well in the schools I worked in, but I came close. So I ended up not being re-hired in the last school I worked in for 3 years.

Not getting tenure in a school that I liked teaching in and worked very hard in made me feel depressed. It also made me question my ability as a teacher. I was however, more angry at the principal who got rid of me, and vowed I would continue in the teaching field to show him that he was wrong to have let me go. This didn’t occur. I had thought that I could make a difference in children with special needs’ lives and I hope I did so for the 5 1/2 years I worked as a teacher. The experience also prepared me how to help my child who has special needs.

The best change that happened in my forties is that we adopted a baby, our daughter who is now 10 years old! I wasn’t able to have a baby myself because I was very high risk due to complications from Type I Diabetes. It took us 4 1/2 years to adopt because we tried several avenues but most turned out unsuccessfully. For example, we ran into a scam artist who strung us along until the last month of her pregnancy. We later learned that she never intended to release the baby for adoption. She was only in it for the financial support.

We were registered to adopt a child from China until they slowed down their adoption program. We decided to abandon that avenue. We also had a foster baby for 2 weeks whom we were told was going to be available for adoption. Then the Division of Youth and Family Services found an uncle of the child’s and he decided to take her.

Finally, we adopted our daughter with the help of an adoption attorney. I was 47 when we brought her home and she was 3 months old. We finalized her adoption after she turned 1. The whole adoption process was very stressful and heart braking with many disappointments along the way, but my depression remained mostly stable throughout.

Two very sad changes occurred in my 40’s. First, my brother had two strokes which left him paralyzed on his left side and cognitively impaired. He was never married so our family took care of him. He lived with my Mom and she had 2 live-in caregivers for him. My older sister ended up coordinating his care and handling the finances. My Mom would hardly ever leave him alone with his caregivers. This proved to be difficult when the rest of her family and friends continued their lives and wanted her to be a part of them.

The other very sad change was that my Mom passed away 3 years after my brother had his strokes and right after my daughter turned 1. I felt her loss deeply especially as I became a Mom. I thought that she would be there to help out with my daughter and myself.

My depression reared its ugly head again when I became a Mom. First of all my mother would die after knowing my daughter onIy 10 months. I also felt like I had postpartum depression even though I didn’t give birth to my daughter. I was extremely depressed over the fact that my Mom left me when I felt I needed her the most. My Mother-in-Law helped a great deal with our daughter, but it wasn’t the same as my own Mom.

I also binged a lot when my daughter was a baby which added to my depression. I think it was an attempt to get some control when my life as a Mom was very much chaotic! I knew what it was going to be like taking care of a child having been a teacher of very young children. When it’s your own child however, it’s very different!

Also I was used to working outside of the house with other adults, and now I was mostly alone at home with my baby. Of course I worked very hard as a stay-at-home mom! At times it was very lonely since most women of my age, 48 had much older children and were working outside of the home. I would meet people at my daughter’s activities but they were usually much younger than me. So, once again I didn’t fit in.

I’ve come to learn that mothers with postpartum or post adoption depression fully love their children even while suffering with a depressed mood. I know that this was true for me. I love my daughter more than I can say! My daughter was and is worth all of the hard work, loneliness, etc. that I still experience as her Mom. My husband and I are truly blessed to have her in our lives!

What big change or changes have you experienced in your life?

Depression and Me: It’s Back :(

April 13, 2021 /

The main reason I haven’t been writing my blog for a few weeks is that my depression is back. It’s not really back because it never really goes away. It’s always been there since I was 16, whether at a mild, just below the surface, baseline level or at a major, severe, needing to go to the hospital level. This time my depression is moderate, between mild and major. It’s definitely at surface level though!

thunderstorm with glimmering lightnings over ocean
Photo by Lachlan Ross on Pexels.com

I know that my depression is back because I have the following symptoms: I’m having trouble getting out of bed in the morning; I’m crying more often, especially in the morning; I’m very irritable and picking fights with my husband; I have a constant, underlying level of sadness; I’m having trouble doing things I like to do like writing this blog, and walking on the treadmill and around the park; and I’m tired most of the time.

I don’t think that this depression is a major one because I’m functioning for the most part, but with a struggle. For example, I have to get out of bed on weekday mornings because my daughter has hybrid school which includes both in-person and remote school, and I help her get ready for this. I also get out of bed because I’m hungry for breakfast and so are my daughter, the cat and the fish! (As for being hungry for breakfast, for as long as I’ve been struggling with depression, I don’t think it has ever taken away my appetite for food.)

On the weekend it’s harder to get out of bed especially if we don’t have anything scheduled to do. But even if we do have plans, I have a hard time getting out of bed and getting ready to do them. I end up planting myself on the couch and either sleeping or ruminating over whatever is bothering me at the time. It could be worrying about my daughter, how I look, what someone said to me, being overwhelmed by household chores, worrying about my physical health, etc. After a while my husband usually talks me up (instead of down) which helps me get moving. He also encourages me to work out which he usually does with me. Working out like walking on the treadmill and weight training really help lift my mood. So my depression is definitely moderate since I’m able to change direction and come out of it under the right circumstances.

Being an amateur psychiatrist/psychologist and a professional depressed person, I think one main reason I’m depressed is because of the changes going on in my life and stressing out over them. Plus the stress over such things as Covid, finances, plans for the summer for my daughter, and trying to fit in various social activities, etc. are contributing to my depression too. In fact, I learned in the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) I was in that Stress + Change = Depression for many people, including me.

One big change is that more people are out and about since getting their Covid vaccinations. Sounds good except that I have social anxiety so that seeing people I know and don’t know makes me very anxious. I hate to admit it but the quarantine was kind of helpful to me because of my social anxiety which eased somewhat during this time.

Another BIG change that came up was that my daughter returned to school for in-person/hybrid learning 2 or 3 days a week. She has been home with me for over a year doing remote schooling. I’ve been not only her mother but also her teacher at times. Hybrid will be only for 4 hours a day and then she’ll have the rest of the school day remotely at home. I still miss her though and the house feels empty.

What adds to my depression is that my husband works at his company’s building in the morning but works from home in the afternoon. I feel very lonely when both my husband and daughter are out of the house in the morning. My husband however, will be gradually working at his company’s office building full time, and this change will add to my depression.

As to how I’m going to treat my depression, I plan to speak with my psychiatrist in order to change medications. I’m on 3 right now and I’m not sure that any of them are working properly. Another thing I’m doing is trying to exercise every day. Exercise is very helpful at raising my mood. Going outside is also very helpful at raising my mood. You don’t need to walk with a large group of people.

If you need help, here are some resources, and also please see my Resources Page.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish.  800-273-8255

Depression and Me: The 30’s

March 26, 2021 /

In my 30’s I managed to achieve some of what I consider to be “milestones” and suffered some losses while muddling through my depression and binge eating. (At the present time, I usually refer to myself as a “recovering food addict” because I haven’t binged in over 2 years , and food is the substance I abuse when not in recovery.)

Fortunately, my depression was mostly stable in my 30’s thanks to Prozac and the NY psychiatrist who managed it. There were very stressful times however, when more severe symptoms of my depression reappeared. These included my father’s illness and subsequent death, graduate school, getting married, and finding out that I couldn’t have a baby due to complications from my Diabetes.

I studied Speech/Language Pathology in graduate school largely because my Dad’s speech and language abilities were badly impaired after he had mini strokes. I thought that I could help him but I couldn’t. Unfortunately my Dad passed away just as I was starting my first full semester in grad school. I was very close with my Dad and still miss him today. I remained in this program until I dropped out about 3 years later.

I binged a lot in grad school to “help” me get through the great amount of reading, memorization, and papers I had to do. My depression bounced around but I was mostly stable; and the grief and sadness I felt after my Dad’s death were to be expected. Sometimes when I had a lot of work to do at the same time I would get depressed, but not to the point of a major depression. I moved between academic work and a corporate setting a few times during this time of my life.

In 1999 I met my future husband “J” when I was 35 and he was 29. At first I was freaked out about our age difference and was afraid to tell him. I assumed we should stop dating over the age difference but J assured me the difference didn’t bother him. Neither did my diabetes or depression. He also became aware of my binging. He was worried about my health but didn’t break up with me. He even came with me to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting because he felt that he was eating too much.

Dating and getting married to J was very stressful because my Mom didn’t approve of him and implied that I was a “fallen woman” for staying over at his apartment. But I was in my mid 30’s at the time and an adult! But, I still lived at home which probably was one of the main reasons for this problem. Also, my Mom was very old-fashioned; she came of age in the 1950’s.

In 2000 J and I got married, and from that point on my Mom approved of J and came to love him. He became my co-pilot with all of my medical problems and my depression. He came with me to most of my doctors’ appointments and advocated for me. He handled my Depression very well but wasn’t thrilled with my binging. He always knew when I had binged because he said I acted like I was drunk or hung over. I was drunk – drunk on carbs, especially sugar.

We eventually decided that we wanted to start a family. Since I had many health problems such as Type I Diabetes and all of its complications like hypertension and high cholesterol, I had to see a high risk OB/GYN. The doctor told us all of the horror stories about what could happen to me and the baby if I became pregnant. Interestingly and confusingly though, at the end of his discussion he said that I could also have a healthy pregnancy and baby after all. He said this because he had some patients who had my problems and still had a healthy pregnancy.

This situation was very depressing and scary. J was worried about my life and that of the baby’s. I could die or become disabled and so could the baby if we became pregnant. So from then on we decided we would adopt a child if at all possible. We did this in my 40’s.

So I basically binged my way through my 30’s and handled my depression thanks to medication.

Next up…the 40’s.

How are or were your 30’s?

Depression and Me: The 20’s

March 16, 2021 /

My depression continued past my high school years into and throughout my 20’s. After I graduated from high school, I didn’t start college right away; I waited a year. Today that’s not so unusual with the “gap year” some students take, but in the early 80’s it was. Again I felt ashamed not only about my depression but also about not continuing on to college like most of my peers did.

cheerful latin american woman in graduation outfit
Photo by Erisvan Arts Fotografias on Pexels.com

Basically my depression changed the timeline of my life from that of most of my peers so that I ended up behind them in most of the milestones of early adulthood. I started and graduated from college later than they did so that I got my first real job later than they did as well. Also, getting married and starting a family was much later, although some of them may not have married and/or had a family. Many of my peers now have children in college or married with their own children. Some of them are even grandparents. I’m raising a daughter, however, who is 10.

Since I didn’t go to college right after high school, I needed something to do. I was still depressed and binge eating like crazy. My parents and just about everyone else felt that I should get a job to get out of the house. I thought of getting a job in a retail store, but when I got a job, I lost my nerve to start it. I needed something else.

My sister was raising her baby at this time and seeing him always brightened me up. So my dad thought of me working with children. I ended up volunteering in a preschool and, although it was awkward at first, I loved it. The kids were adorable and very loving, most of the teacher were nice to me, and I got into doing arts and crafts there. I came up with arts and crafts projects to do with the kids, helped teachers decorate their bulletin boards, and made the kids presents at the end of the school year. I even thought of majoring in commercial art in college. I wasn’t taking any medications at that time but this experience was very therapeutic. It definitely raised me out of my depression. I still binged though.

I started college in 1982 at age 19 at a very local college 5 minutes from my house. My parents were afraid of sending me away to school because of my depression, and I was afraid too. This was a good decision because I had periods of pretty severe depression in college so that I had to drop out of school. I basically floated in and out of college dealing with depression until I graduated in 1988. I went to my college graduation, especially since I didn’t go to my high school graduation.

In my 20’s I changed psychiatrists to a woman whom I could relate to better than the male psychiatrist I first had. She was the first doctor who actually got me out of my depression by giving me the medication Norpramine (Desipramine). I felt the dark clouds lift and soon I was so much more like myself. The only problem with this medication was that it made me gain a lot of weight as did my binging. As a result I didn’t like the way I looked and I wouldn’t go to any of the social activities at my school, like dances, etc. I did go to France with a trip organized by my French professor though. Besides that I really missed out on the social scene at college and I regret that today.

My first real job was working in the File Room of a large law firm. At that time I thought that I wanted to be a lawyer like my father. But I felt very intimidated by the LSAT’s or SAT’S having to do with being able to make it through law school. I dropped out of the preparatory course for taking the LSAT’s and ended up not becoming a lawyer. The preparatory course totally psyched me out.

One of the best jobs I had in my 20’s and into my 30’s was working in a customer service position for a credit and marketing company. I learned how credit and marketing worked, a lot of data entry skills and how to handle customers on the phone. I was also very lucky to work with several ladies who turned out to be good friends. I’ve lost touch with them, but I’ll never forget them. I later left this company to go on to graduate school in my 30’s.

I also changed psychiatrists again during college to a NY psychiatrist famous for writing a book about using Lithium to treat bipolar disorder. He gave lithium to his patients as well. What was really remarkable about him was that he had Type I Diabetes like me so that we could compare notes on how we handled it. What I didn’t find helpful with him was that he often referred to my “obesity” which wasn’t a really good mood lifter. Luckily he was also involved with research on new antidepressants, like Prozac at the time, and he suggested that I go on Prozac almost as soon as it came out. I started Prozac during my final semester in college and like Norpramine it helped clear the dark clouds and made me feel like myself, except with no weight gain! Instead I lost weight.

I also had my first boyfriend at age 29. I was very delayed socially mostly because of my mental illness. More on him in my next article about my 30’s.

What was your 20’s like?

Depression and Me: The Early Years

March 6, 2021 /

The American Psychiatric Association defines depression as follows: “Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease your ability to function at work and at home. (https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression)

woman looking at sea while sitting on beach
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I’ve had depression since I was 16 years old. I was a senior in high school, getting ready to apply to colleges. I did very well in high school and graduated 3rd in my class. I would’ve graduated 2nd except that I became depressed and remained on home instruction for most of the year. I couldn’t take the advanced courses that might have made me 2nd, because I was depressed and unable to do the work so I dropped to 3rd. There was a chance that I wouldn’t even graduate with my class! however, I completed the required courses, English and History and graduated after all. Unfortunately, I didn’t go to my high school graduation ceremony. I;ve felt very sad about this because I didn’t get to say “Goodbye” to many of my peers, some of whom I knew since Kindergarten.

It was 1980 when I first developed depression and there wasn’t much out there for treating adolescent depression. I felt as if no one knew what to do with me. I had never acted this way before. I usually was happy, active, busy with homework and my friends. I was Co-Captain of the Tennis Team and an officer in our chapter of the National Honor Society. I think I was a chair-person for the activity International Weekend. Then everything came to a dead STOP!

I was so depressed that basically all I did was sleep a lot, eat a lot and cry a lot. I had to resign from all of the clubs and activities I was involved in. I had to drop most of my classes, except for English and AP History. I was so ashamed of myself and worried that my peers in high school would think that I was faking this. I didn’t want to be seen in my hometown and I didn’t want anyone, including my closest friends to come to my house. I would stay in my bedroom if one of my friends came over.

Another illness that I was ashamed of was my eating disorder of binge eating and then not taking the insulin that was needed to metabolize the sugar in my food. I had this disease along side of depression. We wondered if the eating disorder caused the depression or did the depression cause the eating disorder? I ended up gaining a lot of weight due to the binge eating and feeling more ashamed to see people, including relatives and my closest friends.

In 1980 and 1981I saw a psychiatrist who tried to connect with me but he was much older than me and it didn’t work. I hardly spoke to him. He suggested my taking some medications indicated for treating adolescent depression. I decided not to. This psychiatrist later hospitalized me twice in a Psychiatric Ward. The first time was for not taking care of my Type 1 Diabetes which would ultimately kill me. The second time was for trying to kill myself by taking an overdose of insulin.

As a 16-year-old the psychiatric ward really freaked me out. One reason was because the doors in the ward were locked so patients wouldn’t escape. Another reason was that I was also expecting to see very mentally ill patients, and this made me very scared. The other patients were very nice to me and basically were there for the same reason as me – Depression. I felt very embarrassed about this whole situation. What if it got back to my high school where I was! My closest friends visited me when I was better and allowed to leave the ward. I’m very grateful to them for doing so.

I ended up graduating high school without going to the graduation. This still haunts me today. I have dreams about having to return to high school now because I never really finished. I dream about being in classes and having homework. I keep trying to show the principal my diploma so that I can leave, but he doesn’t seem to understand the situation. Because I didn’t go to my graduation, I had no closure to that time in my life.

What eventually helped me was working in a preschool and the little kids who went there. I will continue with writing about my life with depression in my next article.

Did you have an illness that made you miss a lot of school?

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The contents of this blog are based on the lived experience of one person. They are not a substitute for medical or psychiatric consultation.

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