The American Psychiatric Association defines depression as follows: “Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease your ability to function at work and at home. (https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression)
I’ve had depression since I was 16 years old. I was a senior in high school, getting ready to apply to colleges. I did very well in high school and graduated 3rd in my class. I would’ve graduated 2nd except that I became depressed and remained on home instruction for most of the year. I couldn’t take the advanced courses that might have made me 2nd, because I was depressed and unable to do the work so I dropped to 3rd. There was a chance that I wouldn’t even graduate with my class! however, I completed the required courses, English and History and graduated after all. Unfortunately, I didn’t go to my high school graduation ceremony. I;ve felt very sad about this because I didn’t get to say “Goodbye” to many of my peers, some of whom I knew since Kindergarten.
It was 1980 when I first developed depression and there wasn’t much out there for treating adolescent depression. I felt as if no one knew what to do with me. I had never acted this way before. I usually was happy, active, busy with homework and my friends. I was Co-Captain of the Tennis Team and an officer in our chapter of the National Honor Society. I think I was a chair-person for the activity International Weekend. Then everything came to a dead STOP!
I was so depressed that basically all I did was sleep a lot, eat a lot and cry a lot. I had to resign from all of the clubs and activities I was involved in. I had to drop most of my classes, except for English and AP History. I was so ashamed of myself and worried that my peers in high school would think that I was faking this. I didn’t want to be seen in my hometown and I didn’t want anyone, including my closest friends to come to my house. I would stay in my bedroom if one of my friends came over.
Another illness that I was ashamed of was my eating disorder of binge eating and then not taking the insulin that was needed to metabolize the sugar in my food. I had this disease along side of depression. We wondered if the eating disorder caused the depression or did the depression cause the eating disorder? I ended up gaining a lot of weight due to the binge eating and feeling more ashamed to see people, including relatives and my closest friends.
In 1980 and 1981I saw a psychiatrist who tried to connect with me but he was much older than me and it didn’t work. I hardly spoke to him. He suggested my taking some medications indicated for treating adolescent depression. I decided not to. This psychiatrist later hospitalized me twice in a Psychiatric Ward. The first time was for not taking care of my Type 1 Diabetes which would ultimately kill me. The second time was for trying to kill myself by taking an overdose of insulin.
As a 16-year-old the psychiatric ward really freaked me out. One reason was because the doors in the ward were locked so patients wouldn’t escape. Another reason was that I was also expecting to see very mentally ill patients, and this made me very scared. The other patients were very nice to me and basically were there for the same reason as me – Depression. I felt very embarrassed about this whole situation. What if it got back to my high school where I was! My closest friends visited me when I was better and allowed to leave the ward. I’m very grateful to them for doing so.
I ended up graduating high school without going to the graduation. This still haunts me today. I have dreams about having to return to high school now because I never really finished. I dream about being in classes and having homework. I keep trying to show the principal my diploma so that I can leave, but he doesn’t seem to understand the situation. Because I didn’t go to my graduation, I had no closure to that time in my life.
What eventually helped me was working in a preschool and the little kids who went there. I will continue with writing about my life with depression in my next article.
Did you have an illness that made you miss a lot of school?
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