Sound Mind and Body NJ

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Tag: antidepressants

Depression and Me: Dragging Myself Through Depression

June 15, 2021 /

I hate to be so dramatic, but for a while I’ve been feeling as if I was dragging myself through depression. This is the main reason I haven’t been writing my blog consistently. I’ve been displaying the symptom of anhedonia or not wanting to do the things you like doing or not being able to feel pleasure,

green car running of flooded road
Photo by ahmad syahrir on Pexels.com

Here’s what has been going on. About 5 weeks ago ago I stopped taking the antidepressant, Lexapro and started taking Prozac. My psychiatrist was in complete agreement with this medication change because I felt like the Lexapro wasn’t alleviating my depression very much. I started on 20 mg of Prozac and after about 3 weeks it didn’t seem to be working. My psychiatrist had told me it could take 4 to 6 weeks for the Prozac to start working but I was very impatient!

I’ve been having some uncomfortably bad symptoms including crying in the morning and feeling like I could cry at any time. I’ve also been very irritable and I’ve tried not to take that symptom out on my husband and daughter. I’ve been feeling very tired and it’s been difficult for me to do basic household chores. My ability to concentrate has been off so that I’ve had trouble completing an article for my blog. My self-esteem has been barely in existence. Another symptom that’s usually the clincher that I’m having another bout of serious depression is that I’ve been feeling like binging, although I haven’t done it in over 2 years.

It’s unusual for me to have depression in the spring and summer when there’s much more sunlight and the weather is warm. This is the time of year when my previous psychiatrists would usually suggest lowering the dose of my antidepressant because I was feeling too pumped up. I can’t even imagine feeling that way now!

As I’ve written in previous articles, I think that part of the reason for my depression now is the changes going on in my life. For one thing, our lives are getting closer to the way they were before Covid. My daughter is going to school 5 mornings a week and my husband is starting to extend his time working in his office and decrease the time working at home. In-person gatherings are starting again so that my social anxiety is increasing. I’m also worried about summer activities/camp for my daughter who will be going to summer school in the morning for 6 weeks. It’s been difficult to find her activities in the afternoon other than going to the town pool (and I know we’re very lucky to have 2 open pools in our town).

I started to wonder if I was becoming resistant to the medications used to treat depression. After all I’ve had depression for 40 years and I’ve been on medication for almost all of those years. In fact there is a diagnosis known as “treatment resistant depression”. “… with treatment-resistant depression, standard treatments aren’t enough. They may not help much at all, or your symptoms may improve, only to keep coming back (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/in-depth/treatment-resistant-depression/art-20044324.”)

I’m not sure that I have the patience to try another antidepressant(s) if the Prozac doesn’t work. There are alternative treatments however, that I’ve heard about from people who have used them. One is electroconvulsive therapy or ECT. “Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) is a procedure, done under general anesthesia, in which small electric currents are passed through the brain, intentionally triggering a brief seizure. ECT seems to cause changes in brain chemistry that can quickly reverse symptoms of certain mental health conditions (https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/electroconvulsive-therapy/about/pac-20393894.”) ECT scares me though and I kind of see it as a last resort.

Another alternative treatment I’ve considered is medical marijuana. I would have to find a doctor to write me a prescription for it because my present psychiatrist doesn’t prescribe it.

When my psychiatrist suggested that I take 40 mg of Prozac I decided to give it a try and hold off on any alternative treatments. He told me that 20 mg is considered a low dose for Prozac and that 40 mg might work better.

At times it seems as if the 40 mg isn’t working either because I’m showing the same symptoms as when I was on 20 mg. I even seem to be crying more than usual. At other times however, I think that I’m feeling better and that the Prozac must be working. I have a few days without crying. I’m more in control of how my irritability shows up in my relationships, and I’m able to sit at my computer and work on an article for my blog.

I’ve been told that I actually have cyclical depression. ” Cyclical or cyclic depression is also sometimes referred to as recurrent depression. It can occur, abate, and then reoccur throughout a person’s life (https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/depression/what-is-cyclical-depression/).” I’m not sure if this type of depression varies in its severity also. I believe that I do have cyclical depression because I’ve had periods in my life when I was seriously depressed and other times when I barely notice the depression.

I feel as if I’ve been in a period of more severe depression lately. I’m not hopeless though because the 40 mg of Prozac seems to be helping at times and I’m hopeful these times will occur more often.

Has the return to almost normal life after Covid affected you in a positive or negative way?

Depression and Me: It’s Back :(

April 13, 2021 /

The main reason I haven’t been writing my blog for a few weeks is that my depression is back. It’s not really back because it never really goes away. It’s always been there since I was 16, whether at a mild, just below the surface, baseline level or at a major, severe, needing to go to the hospital level. This time my depression is moderate, between mild and major. It’s definitely at surface level though!

thunderstorm with glimmering lightnings over ocean
Photo by Lachlan Ross on Pexels.com

I know that my depression is back because I have the following symptoms: I’m having trouble getting out of bed in the morning; I’m crying more often, especially in the morning; I’m very irritable and picking fights with my husband; I have a constant, underlying level of sadness; I’m having trouble doing things I like to do like writing this blog, and walking on the treadmill and around the park; and I’m tired most of the time.

I don’t think that this depression is a major one because I’m functioning for the most part, but with a struggle. For example, I have to get out of bed on weekday mornings because my daughter has hybrid school which includes both in-person and remote school, and I help her get ready for this. I also get out of bed because I’m hungry for breakfast and so are my daughter, the cat and the fish! (As for being hungry for breakfast, for as long as I’ve been struggling with depression, I don’t think it has ever taken away my appetite for food.)

On the weekend it’s harder to get out of bed especially if we don’t have anything scheduled to do. But even if we do have plans, I have a hard time getting out of bed and getting ready to do them. I end up planting myself on the couch and either sleeping or ruminating over whatever is bothering me at the time. It could be worrying about my daughter, how I look, what someone said to me, being overwhelmed by household chores, worrying about my physical health, etc. After a while my husband usually talks me up (instead of down) which helps me get moving. He also encourages me to work out which he usually does with me. Working out like walking on the treadmill and weight training really help lift my mood. So my depression is definitely moderate since I’m able to change direction and come out of it under the right circumstances.

Being an amateur psychiatrist/psychologist and a professional depressed person, I think one main reason I’m depressed is because of the changes going on in my life and stressing out over them. Plus the stress over such things as Covid, finances, plans for the summer for my daughter, and trying to fit in various social activities, etc. are contributing to my depression too. In fact, I learned in the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) I was in that Stress + Change = Depression for many people, including me.

One big change is that more people are out and about since getting their Covid vaccinations. Sounds good except that I have social anxiety so that seeing people I know and don’t know makes me very anxious. I hate to admit it but the quarantine was kind of helpful to me because of my social anxiety which eased somewhat during this time.

Another BIG change that came up was that my daughter returned to school for in-person/hybrid learning 2 or 3 days a week. She has been home with me for over a year doing remote schooling. I’ve been not only her mother but also her teacher at times. Hybrid will be only for 4 hours a day and then she’ll have the rest of the school day remotely at home. I still miss her though and the house feels empty.

What adds to my depression is that my husband works at his company’s building in the morning but works from home in the afternoon. I feel very lonely when both my husband and daughter are out of the house in the morning. My husband however, will be gradually working at his company’s office building full time, and this change will add to my depression.

As to how I’m going to treat my depression, I plan to speak with my psychiatrist in order to change medications. I’m on 3 right now and I’m not sure that any of them are working properly. Another thing I’m doing is trying to exercise every day. Exercise is very helpful at raising my mood. Going outside is also very helpful at raising my mood. You don’t need to walk with a large group of people.

If you need help, here are some resources, and also please see my Resources Page.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish.  800-273-8255

Depression and Me: The 20’s

March 16, 2021 /

My depression continued past my high school years into and throughout my 20’s. After I graduated from high school, I didn’t start college right away; I waited a year. Today that’s not so unusual with the “gap year” some students take, but in the early 80’s it was. Again I felt ashamed not only about my depression but also about not continuing on to college like most of my peers did.

cheerful latin american woman in graduation outfit
Photo by Erisvan Arts Fotografias on Pexels.com

Basically my depression changed the timeline of my life from that of most of my peers so that I ended up behind them in most of the milestones of early adulthood. I started and graduated from college later than they did so that I got my first real job later than they did as well. Also, getting married and starting a family was much later, although some of them may not have married and/or had a family. Many of my peers now have children in college or married with their own children. Some of them are even grandparents. I’m raising a daughter, however, who is 10.

Since I didn’t go to college right after high school, I needed something to do. I was still depressed and binge eating like crazy. My parents and just about everyone else felt that I should get a job to get out of the house. I thought of getting a job in a retail store, but when I got a job, I lost my nerve to start it. I needed something else.

My sister was raising her baby at this time and seeing him always brightened me up. So my dad thought of me working with children. I ended up volunteering in a preschool and, although it was awkward at first, I loved it. The kids were adorable and very loving, most of the teacher were nice to me, and I got into doing arts and crafts there. I came up with arts and crafts projects to do with the kids, helped teachers decorate their bulletin boards, and made the kids presents at the end of the school year. I even thought of majoring in commercial art in college. I wasn’t taking any medications at that time but this experience was very therapeutic. It definitely raised me out of my depression. I still binged though.

I started college in 1982 at age 19 at a very local college 5 minutes from my house. My parents were afraid of sending me away to school because of my depression, and I was afraid too. This was a good decision because I had periods of pretty severe depression in college so that I had to drop out of school. I basically floated in and out of college dealing with depression until I graduated in 1988. I went to my college graduation, especially since I didn’t go to my high school graduation.

In my 20’s I changed psychiatrists to a woman whom I could relate to better than the male psychiatrist I first had. She was the first doctor who actually got me out of my depression by giving me the medication Norpramine (Desipramine). I felt the dark clouds lift and soon I was so much more like myself. The only problem with this medication was that it made me gain a lot of weight as did my binging. As a result I didn’t like the way I looked and I wouldn’t go to any of the social activities at my school, like dances, etc. I did go to France with a trip organized by my French professor though. Besides that I really missed out on the social scene at college and I regret that today.

My first real job was working in the File Room of a large law firm. At that time I thought that I wanted to be a lawyer like my father. But I felt very intimidated by the LSAT’s or SAT’S having to do with being able to make it through law school. I dropped out of the preparatory course for taking the LSAT’s and ended up not becoming a lawyer. The preparatory course totally psyched me out.

One of the best jobs I had in my 20’s and into my 30’s was working in a customer service position for a credit and marketing company. I learned how credit and marketing worked, a lot of data entry skills and how to handle customers on the phone. I was also very lucky to work with several ladies who turned out to be good friends. I’ve lost touch with them, but I’ll never forget them. I later left this company to go on to graduate school in my 30’s.

I also changed psychiatrists again during college to a NY psychiatrist famous for writing a book about using Lithium to treat bipolar disorder. He gave lithium to his patients as well. What was really remarkable about him was that he had Type I Diabetes like me so that we could compare notes on how we handled it. What I didn’t find helpful with him was that he often referred to my “obesity” which wasn’t a really good mood lifter. Luckily he was also involved with research on new antidepressants, like Prozac at the time, and he suggested that I go on Prozac almost as soon as it came out. I started Prozac during my final semester in college and like Norpramine it helped clear the dark clouds and made me feel like myself, except with no weight gain! Instead I lost weight.

I also had my first boyfriend at age 29. I was very delayed socially mostly because of my mental illness. More on him in my next article about my 30’s.

What was your 20’s like?

Disclaimer

The contents of this blog are based on the lived experience of one person. They are not a substitute for medical or psychiatric consultation.

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