For the longest time I’ve been feeling like I show my loneliness to the world. I almost feel like it seeps out of the pores in my skin. This may sound funny, sad or a little of both, but I’ve been so lonely that I think that the rest of the world must sense or even feel my loneliness. And I feel self-conscious about my loneliness too.
In some ways the Covid virus has made my loneliness worse, especially when we were under lock down or quarantine. You couldn’t go anywhere or see anyone in person. You couldn’t have anyone come over to your house or go to someone else’s house. Luckily we have Zoom and Face Time to do virtual visits with family and friends. It’s still very difficult though being stuck at home.
In other ways, Covid has eased my loneliness. When I used to go out before Covid and I saw a group of people who were having a good time. I would then feel sad and lonely that I wasn’t part of a group like that. I would feel this way even if I were with another person. With most people’s fears and taking precautions about Covid, I don’t go out and see that many groups right now.
These groups remind me of the cliques in middle school and high school, like when we were waiting to go into school or eating in the cafeteria. Now I had a small group of friends too but I always wanted to be part of the “popular group”. These groups also remind me of drop off and pick up at my daughter’s elementary school. Again I would see the cliques of parents and caregivers chatting together and I would be standing alone unless I found someone to talk to. Covid has prevented these situations from happening.
One problem is that when things get back to normal (or abnormal), I’ll have to get used to seeing groups and feeling sad and lonely that I’m not part of them.
Memories of cliques in middle school and high school and at pick up and drop off will invade my brain again.
I’ll write more about loneliness in future articles.
Have you ever felt like this? How do you handle not fitting in to a clique? How do you cope?
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