Sound Mind and Body NJ

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The Loneliness Chronicles: Help for Loneliness

After writing about my loneliness and situations that make me feel lonely, I decided to look for some help. So I searched the web and found an article in Psychology Today called, “The Cure for Loneliness” by Heidi Grant Halvorson, Ph.d. Here is the link to the article:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-science-success/201010/the-cure-loneliness

unhappy latin american woman with laptop
Photo by Keira Burton on Pexels.com

In this article the author suggests 4 strategies for dealing with loneliness, and I summarize them below.

The first strategy is to improve your social skills. These skills include how to take part in conversations, getting comfortable with silences in conversations, talking on the phone, and giving and taking compliments. The author lists other social skills as well. The purpose of these skills is to make you feel l less awkward in conversations.

The second strategy is to get professional help, especially if your loneliness is the result of some major change in your life like losing your job, getting divorced or moving away.

The third strategy is to look for or create situations for meeting people and socializing. One example is to become part of a group or organization. You can also find meet-ups on line that focus on certain interests such as yoga, meditation, being an entrepreneur etc. Here is a link for meet-ups in Northern NJ:

https://www.meetup.com/topics/northern-new-jersey/

The final strategy is to change your “maladaptive” or negative thinking. The article suggests that lonely people tend to focus on the negative and expect the worst results to happen in situations. Sometimes when you expect the worst to happen, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and the worst actually does happen. Then you become reluctant to go back to that situation. An example is expecting to have a bad time at a party and then having a bad time. Afterwards you may not want to go to another party or a party like the one you just went to.

In the article the author suggests that out of her 4 strategies for curing loneliness, the most effective one is to change your negative thinking. You basically need to train yourself to think more positively.

My Thoughts on the Article, “The Cure for Loneliness

I found this article to be useful. First of all, improving my social skills would be helpful to me. When I talk with one person or when I’m in a group, my voice and body become shaky and I stutter. This is mostly due to my social anxiety. I believe that if I practice talking about various topics of conversation, almost like a rehearsal, I could do better in social situations. I also need to speak louder and with more confidence. The issue is finding someone to practice with like a significant other or family member.

Another very important social skill which the article doesn’t mention is to be a good listener. Many people like to talk about themselves and look for someone who will listen to them. Then you can follow up with questions about what they’re talking about which shows that you’re interested in what they’re saying. When you show interest in others, people think that you’re more interesting.

In terms of seeking professional help, I would suggest talking with your primary care physician first and asking them for referrals. If you find that you’re paralyzed in social situations, perhaps getting professional help is a good first step. There may be support groups that can help you as well.

Finding places where there are people to socialize with is a good idea. If you have certain interests like playing chess or card games, bike riding, hiking, etc. there may be groups you can go to. I also mentioned meet-ups above. However, if you’re very shy this may not be easy to do. You may need some extra help to accomplish this task.

I really like the strategy of changing negative thinking. I’m definitely the resident pessimist in my house. You probably will have to re-train yourself to think in a more positive way. I’ve learned about techniques such as mindfulness or staying in the present, giving the present priority over the past or future. Another strategy is to flip your negative thought into a positive one.

people doing group hand cheer
Photo by Dio Hasbi Saniskoro on Pexels.com

There are support groups for loneliness and social anxiety but I’m not familiar with them. I found several on Google and I would suggest looking there. I can recommend the Comfort Zone however, which is a support group for people with depression and bipolar disorder. (see reference on Resources page.)

What have you done to help yourself with loneliness? Have you tried any of the above strategies?

The Loneliness Chronicles: Not Fitting In

Not fitting in or thinking that you don’t fit in can make you feel lonely.  It could be not fitting in to a group, a situation,  with another person, society in general, etc.  You may not fit in or believe that you don’t fit in because of things like your age, appearance, job status, your opinions, etc. My age is a big not fitting in factor for me.

I really feel that I don’t fit in with most of the mothers of my daughter’s friends because of my age.  I’m 57 and my daughter is 10.  We brought her home at 3 months when I was 47, and her adoption was finalized when I was 48.  Most of the mothers I meet are in their 30’s and 40’s so I’m definitely much older than they are.  In fact, some of them are young enough to be my daughter! They also gave birth to their children while I didn’t.  Age was one reason we adopted our daughter; I was too old to have a baby.

This wide age difference impacts my life as a mother!  I can’t do certain things or I don’t do them well enough the way younger mothers can.  I can’t run or walk as fast to catch up with my daughter.  I don’t jump on a trampoline the way they do.  I don’t last as long at the park, pool, birthday parties, play dates, etc. I’m also not as technologically literate as they are.

My memories go back much farther than those of many adults in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s.  I was born in 1963 so I experienced some of the notorious 60’s.  I was actually born the day before President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. I remember watching the Vietnam War on our kitchen tv. I remember watching the reruns of I Love Lucy on tv. (channel 5?) I know about Watergate, the gas shortage, the Bay City Rollers, non-coed gym and playing in the bomb shelter in the basement of my elementary school. One particular thing that really bothers me is when younger people don’t know about the Beatles!

I don’t fit in with some of my peers either. Some of them have children in college while my daughter is in elementary school. Others have children who are married and have children themselves. So some of my peers are grandparents! I am old enough to be my daughter’s grandmother. Some people who don’t know me think that I am her grandmother! I’ve thought of telling them that I am actually her great grandmother.

A few years ago I started a Facebook group called the “Older Moms Group” with the hope of meeting people in the same boat as me. So I created my own group to fit into and where others could fit in too. It turned out that there were only 2 members in the group: my friend and myself. I soon abandoned the group. I think that many older moms don’t want to be labeled that way or belong to a group labeled that way.

Some days when I’m in a good mood, I think it’s kind of neat to not fit in, like being a square peg in a round hole. I believe that I’m kind of a trailblazer in this way. I also wonder why I feel that I have to fit in? Is it FOMO (fear of missing out)?I Is it a fear of standing out and standing alone which can lead to feeling lonely?

Do you ever feel like you don’t fit in? Why?

The Loneliness Chronicles: Seeping Loneliness

For the longest time I’ve been feeling like I show my loneliness to the world. I almost feel like it seeps out of the pores in my skin. This may sound funny, sad or a little of both, but I’ve been so lonely that I think that the rest of the world must sense or even feel my loneliness. And I feel self-conscious about my loneliness too.

multiracial friend coming out of light hallway
Photo by William Fortunato on Pexels.com

In some ways the Covid virus has made my loneliness worse, especially when we were under lock down or quarantine. You couldn’t go anywhere or see anyone in person. You couldn’t have anyone come over to your house or go to someone else’s house. Luckily we have Zoom and Face Time to do virtual visits with family and friends. It’s still very difficult though being stuck at home.

In other ways, Covid has eased my loneliness. When I used to go out before Covid and I saw a group of people who were having a good time. I would then feel sad and lonely that I wasn’t part of a group like that. I would feel this way even if I were with another person. With most people’s fears and taking precautions about Covid, I don’t go out and see that many groups right now.

These groups remind me of the cliques in middle school and high school, like when we were waiting to go into school or eating in the cafeteria. Now I had a small group of friends too but I always wanted to be part of the “popular group”. These groups also remind me of drop off and pick up at my daughter’s elementary school. Again I would see the cliques of parents and caregivers chatting together and I would be standing alone unless I found someone to talk to. Covid has prevented these situations from happening.

One problem is that when things get back to normal (or abnormal), I’ll have to get used to seeing groups and feeling sad and lonely that I’m not part of them.

Memories of cliques in middle school and high school and at pick up and drop off will invade my brain again.

I’ll write more about loneliness in future articles.

Have you ever felt like this? How do you handle not fitting in to a clique? How do you cope?

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