The main reason I haven’t been writing my blog for a few weeks is that my depression is back. It’s not really back because it never really goes away. It’s always been there since I was 16, whether at a mild, just below the surface, baseline level or at a major, severe, needing to go to the hospital level. This time my depression is moderate, between mild and major. It’s definitely at surface level though!
I know that my depression is back because I have the following symptoms: I’m having trouble getting out of bed in the morning; I’m crying more often, especially in the morning; I’m very irritable and picking fights with my husband; I have a constant, underlying level of sadness; I’m having trouble doing things I like to do like writing this blog, and walking on the treadmill and around the park; and I’m tired most of the time.
I don’t think that this depression is a major one because I’m functioning for the most part, but with a struggle. For example, I have to get out of bed on weekday mornings because my daughter has hybrid school which includes both in-person and remote school, and I help her get ready for this. I also get out of bed because I’m hungry for breakfast and so are my daughter, the cat and the fish! (As for being hungry for breakfast, for as long as I’ve been struggling with depression, I don’t think it has ever taken away my appetite for food.)
On the weekend it’s harder to get out of bed especially if we don’t have anything scheduled to do. But even if we do have plans, I have a hard time getting out of bed and getting ready to do them. I end up planting myself on the couch and either sleeping or ruminating over whatever is bothering me at the time. It could be worrying about my daughter, how I look, what someone said to me, being overwhelmed by household chores, worrying about my physical health, etc. After a while my husband usually talks me up (instead of down) which helps me get moving. He also encourages me to work out which he usually does with me. Working out like walking on the treadmill and weight training really help lift my mood. So my depression is definitely moderate since I’m able to change direction and come out of it under the right circumstances.
Being an amateur psychiatrist/psychologist and a professional depressed person, I think one main reason I’m depressed is because of the changes going on in my life and stressing out over them. Plus the stress over such things as Covid, finances, plans for the summer for my daughter, and trying to fit in various social activities, etc. are contributing to my depression too. In fact, I learned in the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) I was in that Stress + Change = Depression for many people, including me.
One big change is that more people are out and about since getting their Covid vaccinations. Sounds good except that I have social anxiety so that seeing people I know and don’t know makes me very anxious. I hate to admit it but the quarantine was kind of helpful to me because of my social anxiety which eased somewhat during this time.
Another BIG change that came up was that my daughter returned to school for in-person/hybrid learning 2 or 3 days a week. She has been home with me for over a year doing remote schooling. I’ve been not only her mother but also her teacher at times. Hybrid will be only for 4 hours a day and then she’ll have the rest of the school day remotely at home. I still miss her though and the house feels empty.
What adds to my depression is that my husband works at his company’s building in the morning but works from home in the afternoon. I feel very lonely when both my husband and daughter are out of the house in the morning. My husband however, will be gradually working at his company’s office building full time, and this change will add to my depression.
As to how I’m going to treat my depression, I plan to speak with my psychiatrist in order to change medications. I’m on 3 right now and I’m not sure that any of them are working properly. Another thing I’m doing is trying to exercise every day. Exercise is very helpful at raising my mood. Going outside is also very helpful at raising my mood. You don’t need to walk with a large group of people.
If you need help, here are some resources, and also please see my Resources Page.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. 800-273-8255
This hits home. I’m grateful for this post!!!