Sound Mind and Body NJ

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Tag: binge eating

Depression and Me: The 40’s – A Decade of Change

April 22, 2021 /

In my 40’s life changed a great deal not only for me but also for my family. I still had depression and binge eating to contend with though. I don’t do very well with change especially major changes. They usually cause stress or stress may bring changes on. As I’ve mentioned in a previous article, a therapist in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) I attended would say that “Change + Stress = Depression,” and I have found this to be true for myself.

One major change that happened in my early 40’s was that my tried and true antidepressant, Prozac wasn’t doing its job. anymore. I felt very depressed, irritable and angry, and at one point I went off Prozac completely! I wasn’t thinking rationally at that point either. Around this time I also changed psychiatrists because my NY psychiatrist was too expensive, and going into NY once a month for a visit wasn’t convenient for me anymore.

So my new NJ psychiatrist decided to put me on Zoloft which worked for me just about as well as Prozac. Like Prozac, Zoloft is an SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor). The symptoms of depression I mentioned above improved, and I remained on Zoloft until my early 50’s.

Another change was that I graduated grad school as a Special Education Teacher with my Masters of Arts in Teaching. I taught various age groups, from preschool through high school. Being a teacher was very stressful for me and I often would binge after a tough day at school. My depression held steady though for the most part. I had a hard time getting tenure mostly because I didn’t play the political game well in the schools I worked in, but I came close. So I ended up not being re-hired in the last school I worked in for 3 years.

Not getting tenure in a school that I liked teaching in and worked very hard in made me feel depressed. It also made me question my ability as a teacher. I was however, more angry at the principal who got rid of me, and vowed I would continue in the teaching field to show him that he was wrong to have let me go. This didn’t occur. I had thought that I could make a difference in children with special needs’ lives and I hope I did so for the 5 1/2 years I worked as a teacher. The experience also prepared me how to help my child who has special needs.

The best change that happened in my forties is that we adopted a baby, our daughter who is now 10 years old! I wasn’t able to have a baby myself because I was very high risk due to complications from Type I Diabetes. It took us 4 1/2 years to adopt because we tried several avenues but most turned out unsuccessfully. For example, we ran into a scam artist who strung us along until the last month of her pregnancy. We later learned that she never intended to release the baby for adoption. She was only in it for the financial support.

We were registered to adopt a child from China until they slowed down their adoption program. We decided to abandon that avenue. We also had a foster baby for 2 weeks whom we were told was going to be available for adoption. Then the Division of Youth and Family Services found an uncle of the child’s and he decided to take her.

Finally, we adopted our daughter with the help of an adoption attorney. I was 47 when we brought her home and she was 3 months old. We finalized her adoption after she turned 1. The whole adoption process was very stressful and heart braking with many disappointments along the way, but my depression remained mostly stable throughout.

Two very sad changes occurred in my 40’s. First, my brother had two strokes which left him paralyzed on his left side and cognitively impaired. He was never married so our family took care of him. He lived with my Mom and she had 2 live-in caregivers for him. My older sister ended up coordinating his care and handling the finances. My Mom would hardly ever leave him alone with his caregivers. This proved to be difficult when the rest of her family and friends continued their lives and wanted her to be a part of them.

The other very sad change was that my Mom passed away 3 years after my brother had his strokes and right after my daughter turned 1. I felt her loss deeply especially as I became a Mom. I thought that she would be there to help out with my daughter and myself.

My depression reared its ugly head again when I became a Mom. First of all my mother would die after knowing my daughter onIy 10 months. I also felt like I had postpartum depression even though I didn’t give birth to my daughter. I was extremely depressed over the fact that my Mom left me when I felt I needed her the most. My Mother-in-Law helped a great deal with our daughter, but it wasn’t the same as my own Mom.

I also binged a lot when my daughter was a baby which added to my depression. I think it was an attempt to get some control when my life as a Mom was very much chaotic! I knew what it was going to be like taking care of a child having been a teacher of very young children. When it’s your own child however, it’s very different!

Also I was used to working outside of the house with other adults, and now I was mostly alone at home with my baby. Of course I worked very hard as a stay-at-home mom! At times it was very lonely since most women of my age, 48 had much older children and were working outside of the home. I would meet people at my daughter’s activities but they were usually much younger than me. So, once again I didn’t fit in.

I’ve come to learn that mothers with postpartum or post adoption depression fully love their children even while suffering with a depressed mood. I know that this was true for me. I love my daughter more than I can say! My daughter was and is worth all of the hard work, loneliness, etc. that I still experience as her Mom. My husband and I are truly blessed to have her in our lives!

What big change or changes have you experienced in your life?

Depression and Me: The 30’s

March 26, 2021 /

In my 30’s I managed to achieve some of what I consider to be “milestones” and suffered some losses while muddling through my depression and binge eating. (At the present time, I usually refer to myself as a “recovering food addict” because I haven’t binged in over 2 years , and food is the substance I abuse when not in recovery.)

Fortunately, my depression was mostly stable in my 30’s thanks to Prozac and the NY psychiatrist who managed it. There were very stressful times however, when more severe symptoms of my depression reappeared. These included my father’s illness and subsequent death, graduate school, getting married, and finding out that I couldn’t have a baby due to complications from my Diabetes.

I studied Speech/Language Pathology in graduate school largely because my Dad’s speech and language abilities were badly impaired after he had mini strokes. I thought that I could help him but I couldn’t. Unfortunately my Dad passed away just as I was starting my first full semester in grad school. I was very close with my Dad and still miss him today. I remained in this program until I dropped out about 3 years later.

I binged a lot in grad school to “help” me get through the great amount of reading, memorization, and papers I had to do. My depression bounced around but I was mostly stable; and the grief and sadness I felt after my Dad’s death were to be expected. Sometimes when I had a lot of work to do at the same time I would get depressed, but not to the point of a major depression. I moved between academic work and a corporate setting a few times during this time of my life.

In 1999 I met my future husband “J” when I was 35 and he was 29. At first I was freaked out about our age difference and was afraid to tell him. I assumed we should stop dating over the age difference but J assured me the difference didn’t bother him. Neither did my diabetes or depression. He also became aware of my binging. He was worried about my health but didn’t break up with me. He even came with me to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting because he felt that he was eating too much.

Dating and getting married to J was very stressful because my Mom didn’t approve of him and implied that I was a “fallen woman” for staying over at his apartment. But I was in my mid 30’s at the time and an adult! But, I still lived at home which probably was one of the main reasons for this problem. Also, my Mom was very old-fashioned; she came of age in the 1950’s.

In 2000 J and I got married, and from that point on my Mom approved of J and came to love him. He became my co-pilot with all of my medical problems and my depression. He came with me to most of my doctors’ appointments and advocated for me. He handled my Depression very well but wasn’t thrilled with my binging. He always knew when I had binged because he said I acted like I was drunk or hung over. I was drunk – drunk on carbs, especially sugar.

We eventually decided that we wanted to start a family. Since I had many health problems such as Type I Diabetes and all of its complications like hypertension and high cholesterol, I had to see a high risk OB/GYN. The doctor told us all of the horror stories about what could happen to me and the baby if I became pregnant. Interestingly and confusingly though, at the end of his discussion he said that I could also have a healthy pregnancy and baby after all. He said this because he had some patients who had my problems and still had a healthy pregnancy.

This situation was very depressing and scary. J was worried about my life and that of the baby’s. I could die or become disabled and so could the baby if we became pregnant. So from then on we decided we would adopt a child if at all possible. We did this in my 40’s.

So I basically binged my way through my 30’s and handled my depression thanks to medication.

Next up…the 40’s.

How are or were your 30’s?

Depression and Me: The 20’s

March 16, 2021 /

My depression continued past my high school years into and throughout my 20’s. After I graduated from high school, I didn’t start college right away; I waited a year. Today that’s not so unusual with the “gap year” some students take, but in the early 80’s it was. Again I felt ashamed not only about my depression but also about not continuing on to college like most of my peers did.

cheerful latin american woman in graduation outfit
Photo by Erisvan Arts Fotografias on Pexels.com

Basically my depression changed the timeline of my life from that of most of my peers so that I ended up behind them in most of the milestones of early adulthood. I started and graduated from college later than they did so that I got my first real job later than they did as well. Also, getting married and starting a family was much later, although some of them may not have married and/or had a family. Many of my peers now have children in college or married with their own children. Some of them are even grandparents. I’m raising a daughter, however, who is 10.

Since I didn’t go to college right after high school, I needed something to do. I was still depressed and binge eating like crazy. My parents and just about everyone else felt that I should get a job to get out of the house. I thought of getting a job in a retail store, but when I got a job, I lost my nerve to start it. I needed something else.

My sister was raising her baby at this time and seeing him always brightened me up. So my dad thought of me working with children. I ended up volunteering in a preschool and, although it was awkward at first, I loved it. The kids were adorable and very loving, most of the teacher were nice to me, and I got into doing arts and crafts there. I came up with arts and crafts projects to do with the kids, helped teachers decorate their bulletin boards, and made the kids presents at the end of the school year. I even thought of majoring in commercial art in college. I wasn’t taking any medications at that time but this experience was very therapeutic. It definitely raised me out of my depression. I still binged though.

I started college in 1982 at age 19 at a very local college 5 minutes from my house. My parents were afraid of sending me away to school because of my depression, and I was afraid too. This was a good decision because I had periods of pretty severe depression in college so that I had to drop out of school. I basically floated in and out of college dealing with depression until I graduated in 1988. I went to my college graduation, especially since I didn’t go to my high school graduation.

In my 20’s I changed psychiatrists to a woman whom I could relate to better than the male psychiatrist I first had. She was the first doctor who actually got me out of my depression by giving me the medication Norpramine (Desipramine). I felt the dark clouds lift and soon I was so much more like myself. The only problem with this medication was that it made me gain a lot of weight as did my binging. As a result I didn’t like the way I looked and I wouldn’t go to any of the social activities at my school, like dances, etc. I did go to France with a trip organized by my French professor though. Besides that I really missed out on the social scene at college and I regret that today.

My first real job was working in the File Room of a large law firm. At that time I thought that I wanted to be a lawyer like my father. But I felt very intimidated by the LSAT’s or SAT’S having to do with being able to make it through law school. I dropped out of the preparatory course for taking the LSAT’s and ended up not becoming a lawyer. The preparatory course totally psyched me out.

One of the best jobs I had in my 20’s and into my 30’s was working in a customer service position for a credit and marketing company. I learned how credit and marketing worked, a lot of data entry skills and how to handle customers on the phone. I was also very lucky to work with several ladies who turned out to be good friends. I’ve lost touch with them, but I’ll never forget them. I later left this company to go on to graduate school in my 30’s.

I also changed psychiatrists again during college to a NY psychiatrist famous for writing a book about using Lithium to treat bipolar disorder. He gave lithium to his patients as well. What was really remarkable about him was that he had Type I Diabetes like me so that we could compare notes on how we handled it. What I didn’t find helpful with him was that he often referred to my “obesity” which wasn’t a really good mood lifter. Luckily he was also involved with research on new antidepressants, like Prozac at the time, and he suggested that I go on Prozac almost as soon as it came out. I started Prozac during my final semester in college and like Norpramine it helped clear the dark clouds and made me feel like myself, except with no weight gain! Instead I lost weight.

I also had my first boyfriend at age 29. I was very delayed socially mostly because of my mental illness. More on him in my next article about my 30’s.

What was your 20’s like?

Disclaimer

The contents of this blog are based on the lived experience of one person. They are not a substitute for medical or psychiatric consultation.

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