Depression and Me: The 40’s – A Decade of Change

In my 40’s life changed a great deal not only for me but also for my family. I still had depression and binge eating to contend with though. I don’t do very well with change especially major changes. They usually cause stress or stress may bring changes on. As I’ve mentioned in a previous article, a therapist in an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) I attended would say that “Change + Stress = Depression,” and I have found this to be true for myself.

One major change that happened in my early 40’s was that my tried and true antidepressant, Prozac wasn’t doing its job. anymore. I felt very depressed, irritable and angry, and at one point I went off Prozac completely! I wasn’t thinking rationally at that point either. Around this time I also changed psychiatrists because my NY psychiatrist was too expensive, and going into NY once a month for a visit wasn’t convenient for me anymore.

So my new NJ psychiatrist decided to put me on Zoloft which worked for me just about as well as Prozac. Like Prozac, Zoloft is an SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor). The symptoms of depression I mentioned above improved, and I remained on Zoloft until my early 50’s.

Another change was that I graduated grad school as a Special Education Teacher with my Masters of Arts in Teaching. I taught various age groups, from preschool through high school. Being a teacher was very stressful for me and I often would binge after a tough day at school. My depression held steady though for the most part. I had a hard time getting tenure mostly because I didn’t play the political game well in the schools I worked in, but I came close. So I ended up not being re-hired in the last school I worked in for 3 years.

Not getting tenure in a school that I liked teaching in and worked very hard in made me feel depressed. It also made me question my ability as a teacher. I was however, more angry at the principal who got rid of me, and vowed I would continue in the teaching field to show him that he was wrong to have let me go. This didn’t occur. I had thought that I could make a difference in children with special needs’ lives and I hope I did so for the 5 1/2 years I worked as a teacher. The experience also prepared me how to help my child who has special needs.

The best change that happened in my forties is that we adopted a baby, our daughter who is now 10 years old! I wasn’t able to have a baby myself because I was very high risk due to complications from Type I Diabetes. It took us 4 1/2 years to adopt because we tried several avenues but most turned out unsuccessfully. For example, we ran into a scam artist who strung us along until the last month of her pregnancy. We later learned that she never intended to release the baby for adoption. She was only in it for the financial support.

We were registered to adopt a child from China until they slowed down their adoption program. We decided to abandon that avenue. We also had a foster baby for 2 weeks whom we were told was going to be available for adoption. Then the Division of Youth and Family Services found an uncle of the child’s and he decided to take her.

Finally, we adopted our daughter with the help of an adoption attorney. I was 47 when we brought her home and she was 3 months old. We finalized her adoption after she turned 1. The whole adoption process was very stressful and heart braking with many disappointments along the way, but my depression remained mostly stable throughout.

Two very sad changes occurred in my 40’s. First, my brother had two strokes which left him paralyzed on his left side and cognitively impaired. He was never married so our family took care of him. He lived with my Mom and she had 2 live-in caregivers for him. My older sister ended up coordinating his care and handling the finances. My Mom would hardly ever leave him alone with his caregivers. This proved to be difficult when the rest of her family and friends continued their lives and wanted her to be a part of them.

The other very sad change was that my Mom passed away 3 years after my brother had his strokes and right after my daughter turned 1. I felt her loss deeply especially as I became a Mom. I thought that she would be there to help out with my daughter and myself.

My depression reared its ugly head again when I became a Mom. First of all my mother would die after knowing my daughter onIy 10 months. I also felt like I had postpartum depression even though I didn’t give birth to my daughter. I was extremely depressed over the fact that my Mom left me when I felt I needed her the most. My Mother-in-Law helped a great deal with our daughter, but it wasn’t the same as my own Mom.

I also binged a lot when my daughter was a baby which added to my depression. I think it was an attempt to get some control when my life as a Mom was very much chaotic! I knew what it was going to be like taking care of a child having been a teacher of very young children. When it’s your own child however, it’s very different!

Also I was used to working outside of the house with other adults, and now I was mostly alone at home with my baby. Of course I worked very hard as a stay-at-home mom! At times it was very lonely since most women of my age, 48 had much older children and were working outside of the home. I would meet people at my daughter’s activities but they were usually much younger than me. So, once again I didn’t fit in.

I’ve come to learn that mothers with postpartum or post adoption depression fully love their children even while suffering with a depressed mood. I know that this was true for me. I love my daughter more than I can say! My daughter was and is worth all of the hard work, loneliness, etc. that I still experience as her Mom. My husband and I are truly blessed to have her in our lives!

What big change or changes have you experienced in your life?